Thursday

How do I even begin to explain today? Do I begin by saying that we are a church divided by many issues? Do I begin by saying that I am sinfully proud of some young teenage and 20ish Young Adult Advisory Delegates and ashamed at the behaviors and attitudes of their "elders" (who are Ministers of the Word and Sacrament)? Do I begin by saying that I'm tired of making decisions based on threats to the life of the church? Do I begin by saying that I alternated between feeling of guilt and happiness today? Do I begin by saying that it is much harder to sit on that floor and pray and sing and deliberate and make decisions than to judge from the internet feed in our homes and offices (as I have done before)?

It doesn't really matter where I do begin, because these are all questions that I've asked and feelings that I've had today. Judging by our biggest issues of the day, we are a church who often exists in disagreement with one another. And as frustrating as that may be, I kind of think it's a good thing. I love serving in a town where there is only one PC(USA) church--First Church, Auburn is a church made up of conservatives, liberals and moderates; a church made up of Auburn, Georgia, LSU, and (gasp) fans of the other team across the state of Alabama; a church made up of folks who think we have to wear our best on Sundays and folks who think that God really doesn't care what we wear; a church with straight people and gay people and probably everything in between. And I love it! I love the diversity, the opinions, the viewpoints. But we all gather together with one common purpose--to worship the God who loves us so much. I am proud to be a part of a church who debates and listens to calls for reformation.

I truly believe what I just wrote, but I have to be honest and say to you that I've changed my mind on one thing. Until the past year or so, I've often said that we have to do everything we can to keep folks in our church. But I have to say that I'm tired of being threatened--tired of hearing that, if I vote a certain way, people may leave. It happened on the floor tonight. A commissioner told the whole assembly that he and his family would leave the denomination if we opened the door for the ordination of gays and lesbians. In past months, I might have said to him, "Please don't go. What can I do to help you stay?" But I'm pretty tired of that--mostly because I've come to believe that that threat is a form of bullying. And I don't think there's any place for that in the church. If you're that unhappy, leave. Leave and go find a place in which you feel you can express your faith in a better and more full way.

Today was a day when I also alternated between joy and shame because of some of the acts of my fellow commissioners. I have never been prouder of a group of younger people than I am of this assembly's Young Adult Advisory Delegates. They are a group of smart, savvy, funny, capable, and very faithful men and women. Simply put, then know their stuff. They give me such great hope for this church! And to make it even better, they even talked our moderator into letting them lead an energizer. Fabulous!

But as happy as they made me, some of my fellow commissioners made me so sad. A minister commissioner at the table behind me called the co-moderator of the Marriage and Civil Unions Task Force a "blowhard." Really? I also watched the author of a minority report go to every mike and whisper in the ears of the report's supporters. I would like to think that he way saying "God loves you," but really think that he was telling them what to say. It REALLY bothered me. Presbyterians are some of the most educated folks in the world--I think they can figure it our for themselves! I'm really sad that they did this in front of the YAADs. Terrible modeling.

Finally, maybe I have made a mistake in following the Twitter feed for #ga219. It was hard to read tweets saying, "What are these commissioners doing?" It is really difficult to be sitting on that floor, to listen as folks gasp when results are read, to know that someone will be hurt if you vote "yes," and someone will be hurt when you vote "no." I ask all of you to keep that in mind. Sometimes the votes don't seem consistent, and sometimes they seem right on target. I have watched the internet feed from home before and said, "Why in the crap did they do that?" Now, however, I have seen things from a much different perspective. I can't speak for everyone on the assembly floor, but I can speak for myself. Even when my votes might seem inconsistent, I am thinking about every single one of them, praying for the Spirit's guidance, thinking about whom or what they might affect. Things are not always as clear as they may seem . . .

Peace, Rachel